Garden of Contemplation

>You wake up not knowing where you are.

>It seems to be a dark part of the forest, different from the rest of the valley.

>You're surrounded by tall, regal cranes, in a garden that feels false, yet safe.

I'm drunk, so we'll see how much sense this makes.

Life's hard, and frankly I can't deal.

Sorry if you came across this and it feels... odd. Like I said, I'm drunk, and even if I wasn't I have such a hard time putting together everything that's dragging me down I doubt it'd make much sense anyways.

Let's start with the purpose of this website.

I was reminded of Geocities, and the good memories of childhood that it was associated with during one of my many "get drunk, blast Breaking Benjamin, and play Halo" nights. The goal of those nights are to wallow in nostalgia as much as humanely possible. I've even started having my CRT playing concert DVD's or PS1/N64/PS2 title screens just to boost the feeling. Frankly, the only thing that would push it further was if I did this with friends... sadly, my roomates my only childhood friend I actually enjoy hanging out with consistently, but I know how sad the whole scene is. I always say that I peaked in middle school as a joke... but that doesn't mean I don't believe it.

Even though I knew the original Geocities is gone, I somehow knew that some form of it had to still exist. And here was Neocities, ripe for the learning-of-html-and-programming-of-my-own-website.

I knew immediately what I wanted my website to be.

TooL really did a number to my already pretentious and confused teenage mind. At the end of the day though, knowing me, I probably would've found out about Carl Jung and shadows, anima, and animus and all that at some point anyways. This kind of introspective psycology was exactly what an already overly introspective kid DID NOT need. Suddenly I found myself constantly meta-analyzing my every move and THOUGHT, and for a time I thought I was improving myself with this thinking. Now it's like I can't get out from behind the curtain of a show I have a lifetime ticket to view. "I see parts of a set" but I don't see the movie. I almost take myself for a bit of a psychonaut, especially with how I feel while fully immersed in music or my nostalgia nights.

...

That's what this sites about I guess. Seperate my Jungian/Old-World 'archtypes' and give them a digital space to speak and be unabashedly themselves. All the while, giving the 'conscious' me yet another hobby/skill and creative outlet to work on. I felt especially compelled to do this while I was between jobs.

I'm rapidly approaching the first day of my new job, and I am spiralling as I always do whenever confronted with change and/or stasis. I've been drinking more, I've been rediculously anxious, and I feel like I'm wasting my time.

What's new???

I feel like I'm wasting time no matter what I do. I'm working for some shit minimum wage job? I feel like I'm wasting time I could be spending on my music or my other projects or improving myself. I'm unemployed? I feel like I'm wasting my time I could be spending making money and furthering my life in a more traditional way. I'm alive? Just wasting time getting to the grave. What am I supposed to do? Get medicated like everyone else? I suppose reading this might lead you to clicking Y over N. But, legitimately, what kind of life is that? The friends of mine who got on pills to 'fix' themselves ended up becoming the most sad and empty husks of human life I've ever seen... no that's not true. A couple did, the rest just lost their drive to be anything more then just human.

I don't want to lose that drive. That's why I'm here I guess. I could give up. Death. Medication. Fall into one 'time-waster' over another. But... Despite all my rage... despite the black wings just reach(ing) out to me over the distance... I go on in spite of those feelings. I go on despite these feelings.

And here I am.

Wasting time.